3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
You Might Also Like
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
calling in to work dehydrated
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Admin smashed it 😂
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.