Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
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GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
She was REALLY feeling it.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.