“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
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4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Inside you there are two wolves
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.