My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
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I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.