Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
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me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.