When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
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Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.