My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
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Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach