Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
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People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.