My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
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*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset