If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
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“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.