A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK