Autocorrect is my menesis
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My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again