Milk Cube
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FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Cat is stressing him out.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.