sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
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Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo