I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
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*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER