Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
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Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
classic mixup
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late