i could never be president. im overqualified.
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A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
sin harder.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?