Stop being racist to kettles.
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her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant