Sunday
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If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.