Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
my first dose meeting my second
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.