Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
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Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.