I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
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Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*