I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
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It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Covid like
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”