16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
She was REALLY feeling it.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.