If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
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Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Seems legit
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.