Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
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I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick