Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.