Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
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The “baby” on the left….
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside