Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I have two kinds of followers
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days