At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
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I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
This is my brand.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?