“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.