friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
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There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …