Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
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Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Happy Thanksgiving
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.