I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
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It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Netflix and you sit over there.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*