My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.