Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
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I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING