Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
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Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her