I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
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I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*