HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
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I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.