*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
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Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.