“you recording!?”
You Might Also Like
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation