If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.