Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
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Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
What the hell is going on?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.