🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
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They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time