I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
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I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know