COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I am never leaving this website
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Grow up never but we old may grow we
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
This why you should mind your business
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
A short story of betrayal:
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me