“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?