Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
can I use a minion as a tampon
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.