date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
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I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.