ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
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In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does